Monday, February 10, 2014

Alternative Olympic Sports

With the Olympics starting last week I can't help but be filled with a mixture of American pride and regret that I never stuck to any sport long enough to become an Olympian. Thanks mom and dad for never putting me in ice dancing or speed skating classes. You really missed your chance to be featured in one of those adorable P&G ads. And no the fact that we live where there are palm trees is no excuse because BOTH sets of Virgin Islands have athletes in these games. But that's not the point of this post.

The point is that the more I thought about it I realized maybe it wasn't my parents' fault, but rather that of the Olympic committee for not including a sport in which I excel. I have plenty of talents I'm perfectly talented in. Just because I can't skate quickly in a circle or after a puck, or skate at all in general I don't get to be a member of team USA? How narrow minded.

And don't even try to tell me these alternative Olympic sports aren't sports, because they're every bit as sporty as Curling. They essentially give out a gold medal in sweeping every 4 years, I think they could add one of these alternatives.

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Not charging my phone until it gets to 12% or less - Athletes are given a dying iphone and charged with the task of locating their charger while simultaneously completing a variety of tasks (Example: tweeting, texting, Instagram liking). Extra points will be given for the level of creativity of preserving your battery life (closing apps will be worth significantly less than say turning down the brightness)

Taking my contacts out and then forgetting where I put my glasses - Vision impaired athletes are put in spaces to resemble apartments and must locate their glasses. Hint, they 'll never be found in your glasses case because that'd be too obvious.

Reaching for the conditioner before the shampoo - Everyone knows you need to shampoo and then condition, but these athletes put that conventional knowledge to the test. Actually, scratch my entry in this event. Ideally this would only be a sport for super attractive male athletes; this alternative Olympic sport would single handedly out rank all the other sports combined in viewers. You're welcome Olympic Committee for increasing your viewers.

Writing an email and leaving it unsent in my drafts folder - Athletes are given a full inbox and tasked with responding to each email. Points are given for each email they carefully craft a reply for and then forget to hit send.

Digital Stalking - In this event athletes are given the task of finding out every single piece of information on the web about a potential date, new coworker, ex boyfriend random person. If they can't turn up the birth certificate or grandparent's obituary they have little hope of earning a medal. True competitors will know winning gold in this event will take more than just using Facebook or a single Google search.

If the Olympic Committee could just add any of these better alternative Olympic sports to the list of events I'd be sure to bring home the gold for the USA. Who wants to help me fill out a petition?

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  1. the other day i put face wash in my hair thinking it was shampoo. womp


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