Wednesday, July 22, 2020

How I'm really feeling

I thought it was time to do a quick real life check-in with everybody. We're about 4 months into quarantine which is about 3 months more than I ever thought this would last. It's so crazy to think back to early March and how different everything was then. I spent the first week of March in Vegas for a work trip; at that point we were only sorta starting to think Covid could become a thing in the United States. People were jokingly bumping elbows instead of shaking hands and I went to the Strip like things were totally normal. My flight back home to Dallas was half empty, which looking back on should have been a wake-up call that things were about to get serious.

I spent the rest of March in denial that things were going to get so bad. I stayed home and listened to all the recommendations, but I mistakenly thought everyone else was doing the same thing and it'd be over soon. We only left the house to grocery shop and have take-out put in our back seat before taking it home for "date night." At that point I was honestly loving staying home and being excited about having time to do more cooking and the quality time I was spending with my husband and Rebel. The denial of March quickly turned to darkness in April. I shared before that my grandmother passed away from Covid in April; I carried this dark cloud all month. I only took 1 day of bereavement because I felt silly taking more when we weren't traveling for a funeral, but I cried almost every day that month. Every time my phone rang I had a sinking feeling in my stomach because I was sure it was either my boss calling to tell me I was being laid-off or my mom telling me another family member has tested positive. I was trying to put on a positive face, but I was not in a good place. I was living in crippling fear; I couldn't even leave the house to go grocery shopping.
I regressed back to denial in May and was convinced everything would be fine for me to go on a trip to Florida in June. I was looking at the rising numbers in Florida and around the country, but still kept telling myself everything would be fine. I finally canceled my flight June 1 (thanks for the full refund Southwest!) and I think that's when I finally hit the point of acceptance. I realized none of the trips we were planning for 2020 were going to happen. I started thinking about how I could realistically make 2020 special because it wasn't going to be with the Disneyland or Europe trips I was planning. 

Now as we're closing out July I'm doing better. I still have moments of extreme anxiety, but I'm learning to pause and just breathe. I can't predict the future so I have to accept to just take it a day at a time. Planning too far ahead will only set me up for disappointment. Before I do anything I think about how it is going to impact others, and while I wish everyone would think this way all I can control is myself.


How are you really doing?

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